“Today marks the biggest gift I have ever received: 9 years of sobriety. It’s surreal when I think back to who I was before. The rat race and the insanity that was my life, ran me into the ground fast and at a very young age. My only demon was myself and I had no idea what overcoming that would look like. It felt impossible to be any other way except for a crazed, addicted girl with an insatiable appetite for more. I couldn’t be more grateful for that experience today. I get to walk among the living and the free, something I ran from before. I’ve lived through heartbreaks, pain, happiness, excitement-I’m able to feel it all today. What a beautiful gift! I never understood how I would go through the roller coaster of life until I began the long and tough journey of self discovery and spirituality through the 12 steps. There definitely is no one way to make it through, but for me digging into my own soul with other women who have been through what I went through was the answer. I’m beyond blessed for the incredible humans that have been put into my life along the way. No matter how long or short you were in my life, you saved me. In 9 years, there are way too many of you to name but you know who you are. You are the ones that have taken moments, hours, weeks, months of your life to help guide me and help turn my shitty thinking back to something positive and useful to my recovery. I thank you all from the deepest part of my heart, wether your in my life currently or not. I can only pray, and do what is necessary to stay on this path as my repayment to you. That is the name of the game today: live life fully and do the best I can. And that is exactly what I’ve done. While pushing through fear, insecurity and the like, I have accomplished more than I could have dreamed of. It baffles me that I was once such a broken, lost young girl and today my once “potential” talents are now my successes and my greatest source of happiness. I’m grateful to whatever Power that is driving me to challenge myself daily and overcome my personal versions of impossible. I wouldn’t have written the script any other way. Thank you and I love you all”
This was my post from Facebook earlier. I just felt its easier to copy and paste here than to recreate it.
Its always interesting when people learn this fact about me. The usual questions that are asked go something like “Does it make you uncomfortable when people drink around you?” and “What do you do for fun?” This makes me laugh because I don’t even notice when people are drinking around me (unless they’re obliterated) and I’m easily one of the loudest people in the room who would be the first to dance on a table given I’m with the right group of people and my fave song comes on. I don’t think of my sobriety as anything special or different. I don’t want or need to be coddled or protected. I got sober to live life and be a part of the rest of the world. Sobriety is part of me but it definitely isn’t a “label”. The only ting that separates me from the next person is that I no longer use a drink or drug to cope with life. Plain and simple.
I don’t share this part of my life for recognition or for a medal. I share it for the sake of honesty and intimacy, but mostly for the person afflicted who doesn’t think there is a better way of life. I want to be living proof that a full life exists after addiction. We don’t need to bow down to what kills us and just accept that kind of death-like existence. We all have a chance to pull ourselves out of the trenches of whatever suffering we’re experiencing and to really LIVE.
Today I am still human just like any other. Sobriety doesn’t grant me anything specific except for the ability to live, feel, be a decent person and hopefully inspire others along the way. I am still fearful of the future, I still have anxiety that rocks my whole world, I still struggle with many many things, but the chance that I have been given, to be able to have my eyes and heart wide open through it all is nothing I would trade. I don’t run anymore. I face what I need to in order to get to the other side of whatever is going on. People come and go, I make mistakes, life still happens. But on the flip side I have insurmountable awareness and insight. I think that is the biggest blessing and curse; being able to see myself pretty clearly, but at times not have enough God-given grace to make a change. Sometimes that pain is my greatest motivation. I have beat myself up for my faults so often that it has catapulted me into the discovery of self-love. Through much experience I have found how to be patient and loving the way I would be with others.
This life is by no means perfect, but it is absolutely beautiful. I am no longer an empty girl with tons of potential, I am no longer just a façade. My spirit is full, I have depth that most don’t get to see, my soul is in constant discovery and growth. I finally am living exactly how I was meant to be living the whole time. My suffering became a gift; my greatest asset. It has taught me who I am, and that person changes and grows constantly. Sometimes I accept life changes with grace and other times I fight it to the bitter end. Either way, Im grateful for the best and the worst because I am alive and well and able.
My heart is so full that it would take an eternity to express it all, so I’ll end it here. There is more life to live no matter what you’re gripped by-we all have something. Don’t ever stop searching. My hope for everyone is that we hold onto a child-like desire to discover more. Continue on no matter how much it hurts, no matter how hard. I promise that the light will find a way into the cracks of your soul. You can return from even the worst of the worst. Fight that thing which holds you down, don’t lose hope on anything no matter how big or small, drive forward, find inspiration, find your spirit within. You’ve got this and I promise, even in your darkest hour you’re not alone.
“It is always darkest before the dawn.”