Passion, Procrastination & Perfectionism: My Best Friends | My Worst Enemies

To say the least it has been a while since I last blogged, obviously. The reason why this happens to me so often is my constant battle with passion, procrastination & perfectionism. Triple threat fuckin “P’s”.  Take a look at the world today-we are surrounded by social media, content, the next best thing-and we can get any of that at the blink of an eye. There is a sea of women, men and everyone in between trying to make their mark. That’s just what todays society has become; everyone trying to carve their place in this world. For me, it is ridiculously easy to get caught up in wanting to have the most creative ideas, the best Instagram, the best clothes, the best photographs, that it literally just trips me up. And thats when my passion turns into perfectionism which turns into procrastination really quickand I sit.

 

Procrastination for me, is just rooted in fear-like most things in life. Plain and simple. It means that I’m so obsessed with being perfect and doing something “the right way”, and am so scared to fail, that I am willing to just do {nothing}. Ugh, nothing, thats right, I just spoke truth about something that is horribly challenging to admit for such a passionate girl like myself. The problem with procrastination for this creative soul is that I easily become agitated, complacent and just straight up pissed that I’m not growing in the arts department which in turn hurts me spiritually. And that’s when my passion comes back to save the day. Thankfully, there is always a time and place when I’m finally over my perfectionist attitude and I finally say “fuck it”. I get that fire under my ass and I run in the direction it takes me. The love for creating and growing never fails me. I find that it has saved my soul many times-probably to a fault because now I never stop working. My mind never rests. That whole work/life balance thing just doesn’t exist for me, but thats for another blog post.

 

To conclude that very long introduction, the stated is precisely why I haven’t blogged. I love it, but its one place where I need to verbally and visually stay true to myself for other people to see, and some days that pressure feels like its too much. Something was missing in my blogging before. This refusal in a sense to really talk about life and who I am. I mean, I did…I have always been vocal about owning my truest identity, but perhaps it wasn’t enough. My blogging was (and is) about more than the outfit I was wearing, or how great my makeup looked that day, but somewhere in there I forgot my heart. I forgot transparency. I forgot that blogging means intimacy. I forgot that I’m deeper than the person I am limited to materialistically showing on Instagram and Facebook. I am more. I happen to be a ridiculously silly woman with wit and sarcastic tendencies, I’ve got great insight, wisdom, compassion, complete with a bipolar/ADHD range of emotions and thoughts in one day-but not many get to see all of that. I have no shame in saying out loud that I know my greatest strengths and my greatest weaknesses today. There is power in knowing who you are. I want to use that Power the “right” way (HA! Perfectionism coming back for the win).

 

I want to talk more about life. The real shit. For me, its not about that designer bag I can’t afford which just sold out at Barney’s. Its about the fact that I sit in my pajamas 6 out of 7 days, editing photo sessions at my computer, makeup-less. When God forbid I have to leave the house, you best believe I’m throwing on UGG’s, my best sweats and a Jac Vanek flannel (just to feel half bad ass about my ‘white girl’ appearance)  I. Cant. Keep. Up. Thats the truth. I think I hid behind visuals because it was in a sense easy. Its easy to take pictures and post them, but it isn’t easy letting people in; I held back. Don’t get me wrong, Im still going to post pictures (I’m a effin photographer for Gods sake), but I was scared that I would be too spiritual, that I would bore people, that I wouldn’t fit into the blog world. I am now finding that the depth my soul reaches is my biggest asset; I want to share it, plus I don’t want to fit into the blog world after all. In turn, not everything needs to be pivotal and moving and that is one of the many contradicting pieces to this puzzle. Sometimes I’m just not inspired. Sometimes I only have a picture to replace a thousand words (you know the saying). And thats okay. Its okay to just meet ourselves where we’re at.

 

To wrap this up, recently I started working with Blogger, Lindsi Lane, as her photographer. But something more than just amazing images emerged. She silently taught me how to be beautiful, strong and stay true to oneself, publicly. She never even spoke a word about it-I just watched (and read her blog). I thought I was doing those things already, but I saw a crack in the armor when realizing I have put my blogging passions aside for fear of what others would think of the real me. So, today in all of about 5 minutes, I talked to her about where Im at, she sent me her blog post Instagram Fame Game, I read it and loved it (duh!), she told me that perhaps I should just write even if its private, and BAM I don’t even know what happened or if there was any relevance to the sequence of events, but it all just hit me. This title was partially something I said to her in a text message, and instantly I knew it was birth of this blog post. I started writing immediately, and here we are. Life is weird like that.

 

I thank gorgeous souls like her who are giving, non-judgemtal and uplifting. There arent a lot of those around these days, so to have been graced with meeting and having many of them in my life is beyond measure.

 

Oh, hey also, the other reason I stopped blogging is because my brain is filled with one giant bubble of complicated ranting and I can barely sort my thoughts long enough to even process them half the time. (If you read this post, then you know what I’m talking about). That is all!

Let your inner sun shine bright lovelies,

Alaxandra

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Be you. Be true.

 

Sunglasses; Quay Australia

1 Comment
  • Shajara Rodriguez
    December 10, 2015

    Wow wow wow!!!! This was amazing. I NEVER read Blogs, well I do read or look at Beauty blogs but never READ. This was so enlighting and something I deal with as well so awesome to read! Thank you for sharing Alex. Can’t wait to read more!!!!!

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