Who Are You Anyway?

The freedom of self-expression is so important to me. I used to let a lot of things influence me-the newest trends, the next best designer, the people I think are “cool”, the list of outside influences goes on ad infinitum. But the reality is, whatever I begin to obsess about, means theres something going on inside of me. If I’m outside of myself, then what am I escaping from? …Myself. You see, so many times I had forgotten that though Im just one among many, neither less than nor more important, still I am unique in my own right, as we all are.

Comparison was stealing my joy, until one day, something and nothing happened, and I just didn’t care anymore. And not the “IDGAF ABOUT ANYONE AND WHAT THEY THINK OF ME” pompous type of attitude, but more so a refreshing humility. Like, “oh wow, I’m just another human trying to figure life out as I go and I only have one chance to do this” type of attitude. A breeze just kinda wiped that slate clean-I didn’t try for it, I didn’t will it into existence; it just happened. Shocker considering most years of my life were spent trying to force my way into happiness, and you know when I became happiest? When I just left myself the hell alone! I stopped worrying why I felt depressed sometimes, I stopped freaking out about the pimple on my face or how much skinnier I wanted to be, I stopped caring if my outfit was on point enough to step out of the house or if I was wearing enough makeup to be pretty; I stopped judging myself….I just put the brakes on and stopped trying to figure it all out. Maybe this came with age and maturity, maybe not, but I began the long process of accepting me as I am in this moment. In return I gained some freedom from all that self made bondage which controlled me daily. I am enough; you are enough. What defines me now is personal intuition. If what Im feeling is right for me and it isn’t right for you, well, I’m sorry but I’m living this life for me. And guess what?! THAT’S NOT EVEN SELFISH. I learned I can take care of myself. LIKE, I SHOULDN’T BE ASHAMED TO PUT MYSELF FIRST! Woah, mind blown right? I got free of what others thought of me by learning to love and nurture my, at times lonely ass existence in this world, and still be at peace. We are responsible for ourselves; our own happiness, self esteem, fulfillment.

Don’t get me wrong, stomping on other peoples lives purposely and mercilessly, isn’t the kind of self love I’m talking about. Im all about helping others, being there for my friends and strangers. I try to be as mindful and aware as possible. I do my best. And you know something? My best sometimes still hurts other people. I still make mistakes. With all this freedom of self, Im still not free of making wrong decisions. Human-its a real thing-look it up. We are so flawed as humans. ALL OF US. Just because my sickness doesn’t look like yours doesn’t make mine wrong or worse, and vice versa. We all do our best and truthfully I think if we were capable of doing any differently- we would. At least thats my truth.

Hindsight isn’t 20/20 by chance, thats a saying because its everyones most peoples’ experience. And when I am wrong or hurtful AND aware of it? I try to apologize (whole heartedly). That doesn’t automatically make me your bitch or make me indebted to you. Whats done is done. If an apology and a forthright vow to do my best not to hurt again isn’t enough, then we shouldn’t be in each others lives. And thats another thing-not everyone is for us. Everyone you fall in love with, become the closest of friends with, and even family, is definitely not guaranteed. A season, a reason, a lifetime; thats what they say, right?

So, if embracing your self expression means you want to just wear baggy destroyed boyfriend jeans and not give a crap if they’re not flattering, or if you just want a little dose of my personal experiences and outlook on life, then you’ve come to the right place. Take a walk, take a breath, read a book, travel somewhere, leave your fear of losing whatever it is that you’re afraid of losing, behind. Just f#$%^ing chill. There will always be something; there will always be more. This is a process, let it be just that. Go through all the necessary emotions it takes to become one with yourself and to finally get to the place you so desire. Develop your own voice and your own vision. Know who you are. Embrace that and own it. Rock it like the latest Chanel, and you won’t even need to own the latest Chanel to feel amazing. Wear what you want, do what you want, be who you want. Because in the end ‘who are you anyway’ is for YOU!  Keep searching…All will be well.

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On another note, Im enjoying looking randomly thrown together and literally taking all of 3 effortless minutes to do so. Also, Im in love with my new marble mirrored sunglasses from Quay. Take a look below!

Much Love xx

Alaxandra

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IMG_7343 IMG_7345marble mirror sunglasses: Quay, pullover beanie: target, fuzzy jacket: target, cropped basic: forever 21, plaid shirt: forever 21, destroyed boyfriend jeans: Almost famous, ox blood studded boots: justfab

 

1 Comment
  • OlgaRMichavd
    June 6, 2016

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